I remember being pregnant and my family telling me to 'be ready!' for all of the things I had put my parents through I would indeed be experiencing from the other side. I had read all of the books, I was eating clean, green, and organically, I meditated with my belly, yoga, aquanatal, prenatal,classical(you get the point)--there was NO way I would breed rebellion!
The first year of my darling girl's life was BLISS! She was the most sweetest, gentle soul. I say, "was" with love and attention. I do not want to paint her in a two year old offensive strobe light.... She still is very much that little gentle soul.
There was a point when in my Mommy-dom where I began to feel the need to seek camaraderie. My little one was starting to talk, and grow on her own accord. She began to reach out to strangers, wave to them, and stare at them longingly. You see, for the first year of her life I kept her in what my family called 'a bubble'. For many reasons, reasons which I will share at some point in time. I began to feel completely terrified in sharing my darling with the world.
The first time I let her play at a playground with children--she was two.
At the age of four my sister became ill--out of the blue. She started with violent seizures that slowly took her spirit, her movement, her brain. She lasted for nine years in a bed on machines that served all of her life functions in our home and cared for by my parents. I was a young child but old enough to understand. To this day there is no medical explanation for her illness. Speculation, yes. Explanation--no.
As an adult I carried fear with me through my pregnancy, through her birth and her little blooming life. I habitually washed her hands, I never thought TWICE about feeding her processed or not organically. I refused to even entertain the option of immunization. I lived petrified that she would unexpectedly become ill and I would have no power and that I would sit back and watch my baby lose her life. So, instead I controlled her life to the point where seeing her wave longingly at children we would see outside of our 'bubble' would bring tears to my eyes.
That playground ::smirk:: became for both of us an eye opening experience of mass proportion. We were both catapulted into this mommy and me world of which we were not prepared. For months I never spoke to the mothers I just floated around with my girl(whilst wearing a newborn).
I became saddened to see that the children didn't welcome her, even when she followed them shrieking in sheer delight just to be among them. Then came the day--of first contact. I turned around and to my horror my daughter was being grabbed by the neck and at the end of the grip were these pinching little fingers grabbing her skin tightly and violently. Horrified I ran to her as the perpetrator's mother was trying to pry the grip.
I saw the look in her eyes. The "what the HELL was that?" look. She then looked at me and said: "I fine, it's OK, I fine...." so there it was. She was fine. I began to feel awful. Had I just thrown her into this world too soon. I'd unravelled our homespun cocoon, let her out with her wings wet--and let her get strangled!
Wondering what would be next-- she began to find little companions that didn't mistreat her. I began to find companions that I could share a cup'o'joe with on occasion. Our evolution out of our world into the world had happened and we were now floating among them.
I found my little girl to be strong and adjusted--capable and fully enchanting. She represents herself with love and poise. She's loving and empathetic, she listens(for the most part) and when we do catch a sniffle or a fever we overcome.She returns to me as that baby I carried for nine months when she needs to know I am near and she flies away strong and vibrant when she knows it's her time to explore her world.
I am in complete wonder of this evolution. I then began to relive my childhood and reflect on my life past and present. I began to realize that we want our children not only to be magnificent creatures BECAUSE of us but in spite of us. We should want them to be very much their own souls. Their own humans with emotion and little fear. We should nurture them to know that "I OK momma" even when they're being taken by the neck for the first time in their lives. In silence, in our family bed at night (or if you're lucky to get naps or downtime anytime of day!), in our warm embraces we teach them MORE than words could ever.
I still cling to my fear and I am learning to let go--slowly because of her.
I call her 'angel'. If you knew me, that kinda world normally doesn't enter my vocabulary due to high high levels of sappy cheesiness. However, she is my angel. She saved my life in the deepest most rooted form. She gives me faith in the world--that goodness grows and innocence flows....and at times all I need to do is just let her be.
Children are our proof that this world exists on love and magical transformation. They're strong and adaptable. They have the ability to transform, to be spun, to be wrapped up and released into the world at different stages of their lives.
To say that I am eternally grateful for her is an understatement. To say that I am proud of her is unserving. To say that I can not wait to see her 'BECOME'--is a great way to end.
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